the magic of magazines

So I have this new, not quite a theory and not quite an epiphany, but a thing; celebrities never get depressed like normal people because of magazine articles. I mean, Heidi Klum (on the cover of this month's Glamour) has had 4 kids and she is happier than ever. This is not normal. To look incredible and have a perfect marriage and balance, blah blah. Magazines sell because people want to live vicariously through celebrities. It's not realistic at all. I would absolutely feel on top of the world if someone wrote fantastic articles about me at least once a year. With captions like:"Yes, the world is her dance party" above a two page spread of Heidi dancing and words around her on the page (no exaggeration) "Heidi is happy!" Then you read the letters to the editor in the beginning of magazines like Shape and it says "the Vanessa Hudgens article was inspiring" really? She's like 22 and from Disney fame, life's rough. If someone put a picture of me in a magazine and said: " Lynnsi Friedman is so optimistic and fascinating" I would be happy for like a freakin' year! No post-postpartum depression after babies if your Ms Klum (no fertility problems either, sheesh!) and no sadness if you're "reality star Audrina Patridge on looking this hot in the heat".

The wonderful words that are used in magazine articles about celebrities are how we should all talk about each other all the time!!! I mean it! Yesterday I was getting my pre-birthday pedicure and reading In Style with none other than Katie Holmes on the cover. The article was nothing special, she walked in, had dinner with the interviewer, they discovered some blue staining on her fingernails from making a picture with Suri the night before. And they make the biggest deal about her doing arts and crafts with her 5 year old... duh! But when you're in a magazine, it's just marvelous that you use magic marker on any given Tuesday evening I guess.

I would love someone to write about me: "Lynnsi gets up at a normal hour, goes to work looking effortless with her red hair flowing under the extreme air conditioning vent above her cubicle. 'I only drink organic coffee, but I make it at home for efficiency reasons' says Friedman as she nibbles on the watercress and endive salad she has ordered without dressing. And she still does her own grocery shopping and feeds her cat every single day. 'She needs the nourishment and to know that I care' And she has even admitted to leaving dishes in the sink! 'I guess my secret is out, that' my least favorite chore', she giggles."

OK I guess my satirical interview is over, back to homework and cleaning that I astonishingly don't have people for!